• I’m no sports analyst, but it looks to me like James just took less money to play alongside other stars in the name of winning. Isn’t that the exact sacrifice we’re always asking our athletes to make? Every free agency period, the sports media suggests ‘Athlete X’ should take a pay cut and put his ego aside for the good of the team. And guess what – it never happens. Well, this time it did. And now we’re up in arms about it? Talk about hypocrisy.

'The Three Kings,' or as I like to refer to them, 'The Best Fucking Team in the NBA.'

• James didn’t betray the city of Cleveland. Sure, that charade of a TV special he called ‘The Decision’ was a PR disaster and a giant kick in the balls to Cavs fans. But that doesn’t make his ‘actual decision’ a betrayal. The fact is, he owes nothing to that city. They weren’t married. He never promised loyalty through sickness and health, till death do them part. He is a basketball player who was playing for the team that drafted him. Nothing more, nothing less. As with all athletes, this was a one-sided relationship forged by the fans, and James shouldn’t be held captive by Cleveland’s adoration or expectations.

• LeBron is not a coward, or a quitter or any of the other pejoratives being thrown his way. He’s just a guy who wanted to play basketball with his friends on South Beach. Sure, he won’t ever be Jordan or Gretzky, but that’s his decision to make, not ours. We were the ones hoping to witness the greatest ever, and now we’re disappointed that it won’t play out in the storybook way we imagined. But just because James may not have the historical career we hoped for, that doesn’t make him less of a person – or player.

Did LeBron James handle this spectacle in the worst way imaginable? Yes. Has he become the NBA’s “Public Enemy no.1?” Absolutely. Am I asking myself rhetorical questions and then following them up with actual answers? Without a doubt. But none of this matters. These are all issues that we’ve created, not LeBron. We’re the ones who built him up, only to be stunned that he isn’t what we expected. It’s time to move on and accept that the next Michael Jordan is really just the first LeBron James.

And one other thing. Lets Go Heat!

click chart to enlarge.

A short evaluation of these results is quite telling indeed. As the night began, my ability to sink a shot in pool was non-existant and the outlook for the evening was unfavorable. But as alcohol was administered, the results quickly improved. Performance appears to have peaked during beer # 6, at which point I declared myself ‘Czar of the Table’ and proceeded to ride the pool cue like a bucking bronco. Unfortunately, my capabilities soon declined and the study culminated with me vomiting on the bartender’s chest and then referring to her as ‘Sasquatch’ (in my defense, her hands were the size of Patrick Ewing’s feet and she appeared to be sporting a full goatee.)

If the Nobel committee would like to contact me regarding my research, I can be found at the Galway Bay pool table on Saturday nights from 9:00 – 3:00.

Little known fact: These men will be overseeing the death panels.

Then, in 5 years, when reform is blossoming across the country, I’ll be watching as Floridians collectively kick themselves in the balls for repudiating it. I’ll snicker when they weep on each other’s shoulders as their low-income friends around the nation gush about Medicare. I can’t wait for the public to call their legislators and demand that Florida adopt a plan that prevents insurance providers from denying claims based on pre-existing conditions. I’ll crack open a cold one as those who most fervidly challenged the bill plead for reform.

As a liberal, I think this is the best thing that can happen to our country. Sure, tens of thousands of Floridians will be denied healthcare – but heck, they’re making their beds and soon it’ll be time to nap. Nothing will impact the political climate like seeing liberal policy vs. conservative policy in action. We’ll finally have a tangible case study that determines which health care ideology is more efficient – and I’m so confident in liberal reform that I welcome the challenge.

Fortunately for Florida, you won’t find an honest conservative who feels the same.

Speaking of which, this storyline would make for a great addition to the Highlander film franchise. Imagine hipsters from across the globe dueling it out to determine who will be “the one” at 2010’s Wedding of the Year. And to heighten the suspense, we’ll bring back Christopher Lambert, but instead reprising his role as Connor MacLeod, he’ll come back as Raiden from Mortal Kombat. Are you telling me you wouldn’t pay to see this movie? It’s an instant Golden Globe nominee.

And everyone keeps telling me “when it’s your baby, you’ll think it’s cute no matter what.” Well of course I will, I’m a gorgeous human being. What I wonder about is everyone else. How do you come to terms with this? Is it like the 5 stages of grief and ultimately everyone just accepts it? Maybe that’s why nobody knows their kid is ugly -they’re in stage 1: denial. Someone should write a book about this called ‘The 5 stages of Getting Over Your Ugly Baby.’

Anyways, if you happen to be lucky enough to visit the Windy City during the winter – don’t. I can’t emphasize this point strongly enough. You know how everyone in Florida is super cold right now and doesn’t want to go outside? Well take that feeling – I mean really grasp it tight, like one of those little spongy stress balls – and then throw it right out the fucking window. You can’t even compare it to this hellish nightmare so don’t try. Just thank god that when you go to work in the morning you don’t have to worry about the fluid in your eyes spontaneously freezing, rendering you unable to blink as 40 mph wind blows snow into your preciously fragile retinas.

By the way, my internship is going great. I’m really liking the agency.

You see, he’s already captured the world of golf. Nobody on the PGA Tour should even be on the same course as him. So Tiger decided to crossover and challenge Wilt Chamberlain’s 20,000 women mark. Now I know what your thinking: “Nobody’s touching 20,000. That’s tougher than DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak.” But I think Tiger is going for it and I’m pretty sure he’s going to get it.

Consider the facts. Fourteen have already come clean, which in celebrity numbers is approximately 7,428. Plus, he’s only 33-years-old. With modern ED drugs, that’s like being a horny college freshman all over again (which raises an interesting question: should Wilt’s record be counted separately since he was performing in the pre-Viagra era?) And with the advancements we’ve made in prenatal genetics, I’d say Tiger is about a decade away from having his own fleet of Aryan porn stars to tear through at his leisure. So even with this minor PR setback, I think he hits 20,000 before his 60th birthday. Now all that’s left is to see how the overly-competitive Michael Jordan reacts to this revelation.

• What kind of a name is Boof?

• That same guy who calls himself an All American boy and likes cheeseburgers has been on those match.com commercials for like 2 years now. Does that mean Match.com doesn’t work?

• Why do they continue reporting that baseball players used steroids? It’s like continuing to report that JFK was assassinated in 1963.

• And on that note, if Bud Selig new about steroids in baseball, he should be fired for doing nothing about it. If he didn’t know about steroids in baseball, he should be fired for utter incompetence.

• Is there anything creepier than seeing Stuart Scott’s glass eye in HD?

• Who are these people who get a runners high? I’ve been known to collapse after running, but I don’t think this is the same thing.

• I spent the first 19 years of my life thinking a light saber was called a light saver.

• Is it okay to complain about other people complaining?