Don’t be that guy…

{ February 9, 2010 @ 3:33 pm } · { Entertainment, Random, Thoughts }
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Do you know what really chaps my ass? Douchebags who wear jeans and a corduroy jacket to weddings. How is it that every other person in attendance understands the traditional guidelines of formal attire, yet this ass-clown believes they are above such standards? I’m not sure when this started, but I haven’t been to a wedding in the past 5 years where there wasn’t one of these individuals in attendance. And strangely, it’s always just one person. You’ll never see a group a leopard-print jackets huddled around the hors d’oeuvres; they like to fly solo. It’s like there’s a group meeting every month to discuss who will be the token douche at the upcoming wedding.

Speaking of which, this storyline would make for a great addition to the Highlander film franchise. Imagine hipsters from across the globe dueling it out to determine who will be “the one” at 2010’s Wedding of the Year. And to heighten the suspense, we’ll bring back Christopher Lambert, but instead reprising his role as Connor MacLeod, he’ll come back as Raiden from Mortal Kombat. Are you telling me you wouldn’t pay to see this movie? It’s an instant Golden Globe nominee.

The Ugly Truth

{ January 26, 2010 @ 4:13 pm } · { Random, Theories, Thoughts }
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Is there anything in the world worse than having an ugly baby? As far as I’m concerned, this is a fate worse than death. I mean, it’s not like getting a bad haircut where you can sort of be in on the joke and poke fun at yourself. “Haha, I know I look like Carrot Top. That’s so funny.” When you have an ugly child, you’re stuck carrying around some baby that people pretend to adore – only deep down you know that they want to vomit on your kid. But unlike a bad haircut, you can’t get in on the joke. “Yeah, I know it looks like someone stepped on his face. That’s so funny.” You just have to pretend that people aren’t making fun of the freak-show you call a child behind your back.

And everyone keeps telling me “when it’s your baby, you’ll think it’s cute no matter what.” Well of course I will, I’m a gorgeous human being. What I wonder about is everyone else. How do you come to terms with this? Is it like the 5 stages of grief and ultimately everyone just accepts it? Maybe that’s why nobody knows their kid is ugly -they’re in stage 1: denial. Someone should write a book about this called ‘The 5 stages of Getting Over Your Ugly Baby.’

I’m not cold, I’m thermally challenged.

{ January 8, 2010 @ 11:17 am } · { Random, Thoughts, Travel }
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So I’ve been in Chicago for a week now and here’s my analysis: it’s fucking freezing. And I don’t mean “let’s not forget our jackets” freezing – I mean “my balls ascended 8 inches into my stomach on the way to work” freezing. It’s unbelievable that this city was even developed. I understand the first group of settlers coming here in the summer and being excited about this wonderful, undiscovered land. But sometime during that first winter, shouldn’t somebody have approached Louis and Clark about the weather? “Uhhhh, hey you guys, I know you’re the leaders and all, and you’ve managed to find this hot little Indian girl who’s undoubtedly letting you two ride the train on her every night, but it’s cold as shit here. I’ve lost three body parts this week alone. Do you think maybe we can head south now?” (Okay, so Louis and Clark didn’t really discover Chicago, but I was having a tough time making a joke out of the forceful removal of an entire group of people from their land.)

Anyways, if you happen to be lucky enough to visit the Windy City during the winter – don’t. I can’t emphasize this point strongly enough. You know how everyone in Florida is super cold right now and doesn’t want to go outside? Well take that feeling – I mean really grasp it tight, like one of those little spongy stress balls – and then throw it right out the fucking window. You can’t even compare it to this hellish nightmare so don’t try. Just thank god that when you go to work in the morning you don’t have to worry about the fluid in your eyes spontaneously freezing, rendering you unable to blink as 40 mph wind blows snow into your preciously fragile retinas.

By the way, my internship is going great. I’m really liking the agency.

T is for ‘Tiger has sex with lots of women not named Elin Woods.’

{ December 18, 2009 @ 7:18 pm } · { Entertainment, News, Random, Sports, Theories, Thoughts }
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After a long hiatus, I figured I’d get back in the blogging game with my take on everyone’s favorite serial philanderer: Tiger Woods. We’ve all heard the numerous theories over the past few weeks. His wife bashed in the window while chasing him. He was on sleeping pills. He was drunk. Well, I have a theory of my own. I think Tiger was chasing the most hallowed record in sports.

You see, he’s already captured the world of golf. Nobody on the PGA Tour should even be on the same course as him. So Tiger decided to crossover and challenge Wilt Chamberlain’s 20,000 women mark. Now I know what your thinking: “Nobody’s touching 20,000. That’s tougher than DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak.” But I think Tiger is going for it and I’m pretty sure he’s going to get it.

Consider the facts. Fourteen have already come clean, which in celebrity numbers is approximately 7,428. Plus, he’s only 33-years-old. With modern ED drugs, that’s like being a horny college freshman all over again (which raises an interesting question: should Wilt’s record be counted separately since he was performing in the pre-Viagra era?) And with the advancements we’ve made in prenatal genetics, I’d say Tiger is about a decade away from having his own fleet of Aryan porn stars to tear through at his leisure. So even with this minor PR setback, I think he hits 20,000 before his 60th birthday. Now all that’s left is to see how the overly-competitive Michael Jordan reacts to this revelation.

Random thoughts

{ September 3, 2009 @ 6:45 pm } · { Random, Sports, Thoughts }
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I’ve been so busy with school and interning I haven’t gotten to write as much as I’d like to. Thankfully, my mind is full of totally random and useless thoughts, so here’s a few that have been racing around lately.

  • What kind of a name is Boof?
  • That same guy who calls himself an All American boy and likes cheeseburgers has been on those match.com commercials for like 2 years now. Does that mean Match.com doesn’t work?
  • Why do they continue reporting that baseball players used steroids? It’s like continuing to report that JFK was assassinated in 1963.
  • And on that note, if Bud Selig new about steroids in baseball, he should be fired for doing nothing about it. If he didn’t know about steroids in baseball, he should be fired for utter incompetence.
  • Is there anything creepier than seeing Stuart Scott’s glass eye in HD?
  • Who are these people who get a runners high? I’ve been known to collapse after running, but I don’t think this is the same thing.
  • I spent the first 19 years of my life thinking a light saber was called a light saver.
  • Is it okay to complain about other people complaining?

Reader responses

{ August 14, 2009 @ 2:14 pm } · { Responses }
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The floor is yours:

Love the booger and lamar reference!!!! – Lauren

I know my audience.

Is it possible that our ages are starting to match the newly sprouted gray hairs that some of our generation fought so hard against? – Chris

Nope. They just look like douchebags.

hahahaha…great post!! I completely agree with you… my favorites are the skinny jeans ( aka mandex, aka spray on jeans). There’s nothing like a bunch of guys trying to see who can have the biggest cameltoe. – Jeff

Classic response. I’ve used the term mandex at least 3 times since Tuesday.

I completely feel like my vocabulary has digressed to 12 year old boy level. I cannot say come unless there’s something after it. Like I get a text and let my friends know, “Nobu is coming…” and I always feel like I need to add something now. “Nobu is coming…to quarterdeck…soon.” – Nicole

Here’s another tricky one: When I’m at a show or listening to music and the MC tells us to say “Hey…Ho…Hey…Ho….”, I can’t stop myself from saying “Hey…(insert name of girl standing next to me).” Did that make any sense? Sorry.

Wow, that video was obnoxious. People watch that without being tricked into thinking it might be funny? – Jenifer

It’s been over a month now and I haven’t gotten over this video. All that it’s done is reaffirm there is absolutely no way of knowing what will be successful and what will fail miserably, so all of us in advertising should stop trying so hard and just record sped up videos of 14-year-old internet queens.

Walking through the red light district was…fascinating. I know many people make a big deal about the drugs & the prostitution, but it’s not like they can’t be avoided. If people are just doing drugs & having sex for money, they are really missing out. – Nobu

And I buy penthouse for the articles.

Dude. There’s gotta be an equivalent of Natty Light there. We’ve got it in Germany…Oetinnger. – Alex

Don’t worry my friend, I found it before leaving. It’s called Atlas and is something like 8% alcohol – although more of a Colt 45 than Natty Light.

Style 101

{ August 11, 2009 @ 8:17 pm } · { Entertainment, Random, Thoughts }
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I know that I’m not what most people would call “chic”, but am I the only one who’s totally perplexed by some of today’s styles?

I mean, have you seen Kanye West of Pharrell lately? They look like extras from an Adam Ant video. And I know their clothes are considered stylish, but by who? There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that if I ever walked out my front door wearing one of the outfits below, I’d get beat worse than Rihanna at a Brown family reunion (and deservingly so.)

Apparently there’s some theory that claims styles work on a 25 year cycle, which means some design guru probably told them dressing like Lamar and Booger is cool (although I think maybe they followed the wrong lemming off the cliff this time.) With that said, I can’t wait to pull my JNCOs and Cross Colour jeans out of the attic in a few years.

Dressing like a jerk-off doesn’t make you stylish. It makes you a jerk-off.

Dressing like a jerk-off doesn’t make you stylish. It makes you a jerk-off.

My top 5 Karate Kid videos.

{ July 16, 2009 @ 5:58 pm } · { Entertainment, Random, Uncategorized }
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5) Even the trailer is a classic. Oh yeah, and it’s remastered.

4) They just don’t make montages like they used to.

3) I hope that whoever came up with the idea to have an 8-year-old impersonate Mr. Miyagi won a Cannes Lion.

2) This one could have been better (especially since the story pretty much wrote itself), but a few of the scenes make up for it.

1) My unwavering devotion to Billy Zabka – or as I refer to him, “God” – led me to this video. It’s one of the best I’ve seen in a long time.

Don’t tempt me.

{ July 13, 2009 @ 2:39 pm } · { Entertainment, Random, Theories, Thoughts }
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It’s like the gods are begging me to change my blog title to “People Fucking Baffle Me.” Go ahead and watch this video and let me know what you think.

Now what if I told you his channel has more subscribers than any other in the history of youtube? Fucking baffling, huh? To be honest, I just found out about Fred the other day and was a bit embarrassed that I wasn’t familiar with this cultural phenomenon (but then I remembered I have an IQ over 17, which pretty much excludes me from the target audience.)

All kidding aside, I don’t get this at all. It may possibly be the worst video I’ve ever seen in my life. By absolutely no measure of creativity or humor is Fred entertaining. I wanted to give you a good analogy so you’d know exactly how shitty I think this 16-year-old-meth-queen is, but the comparisons didn’t seem fair to Carlos Mencia or the WNBA.

The upside to Fred is that he fits well into a theory I have about fame: ‘Every genre of celebrity has one individual or group who is wildly successful and yet absolutely nobody likes.’ Music has Nickelback, comedy has Dane Cook, black people have Al Sharpton and now the internet has Fred. I guess that’s my way of saying get used to Fred, or more importantly, get used to bitching about him incessantly.

People fucking baffle me.

{ July 8, 2009 @ 5:33 pm } · { Entertainment, Random, Thoughts }
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Seriously, that could be the name of my blog. I could just write a new entry everyday about some of the stupid fucking things that people do. But for now I will leave it at this: who are these people who go on websites like youtube and then ask asinine questions like “does anyone know the lyrics to this song?”

Now, there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to know the lyrics to music – I look a song up at least once a month. In fact, if you weren’t intellectually curious from time to time, I’d be a bit concerned. I just don’t understand these people who can figure out how to visit youtube, create an account, log in and then leave a post, yet they can’t do a simple google search for “jizz in my pants song lyrics?”

So that's who Minnie Driver is.

So that's who Minnie Driver is.

For instance, I knew the headline “people fucking baffle me” was from a movie, but I couldn’t remember which one, so I went to google and typed “people fucking baffle me movie quotes.” Not only did I discover that it’s from Good Will Hunting, but the line is actually “you fucking people baffle me.” It’s amazing what a tiny bit of thought can do.


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